Cruel Butterflies
by Flowing In Me
Summary: Cat Valentine has been suffering in silence for longer than she can remember. Wanting nothing more than a certain mean girl to feel the same way. Could she ever? Would she? Or would she feel all the heart break she's been terrified to face...
1. Through Cat's Eyes

Today had been a typical one, Robbie and Rex bantered back and forth but were mostly ignored. Tori cast glances to Beck and obviously Beck returned them, just as he did when she first started Hollywood Arts. As much as I liked him, it made a knot of disapproval lurch in my stomach. How could he look at another girl like that when he had Jade? Did he not realize what he had? Nobody would think I noticed so much. My reputation as a ditzy girl with an attention disorder made them overlook me sometimes. But when I wasn't distracted by the colors or cute things I loved, I saw them. Things I knew I shouldn't. There they were, plain as day and sometimes the things I saw confused or even hurt me. Behaviors that I couldn't understand. Mean and hurtful actions. How can somebody pretend to smile and be so friendly, then when that person walked away they turn to disgust? Aren't they friends? Why would you lie? It didn't make sense. The whole mean thing. Yet somehow coming off her, it was crystal clear. Jade practically embodied mean and yet somehow, it was pure honesty at the same time. It wasn't two faced in any way. Jade was mean and she told you what she thought, without regard for your feelings. Was it wrong of me to admire this about her? Out of all the mean people I've met, something about her always felt more inviting. Warmer and alluring. Was it the way she arched a brow daring somebody to continue addressing her. How she could speak volumes of threats without uttering a single word- only presenting a simple, wild flare of her eyes. I swear my body tingles every time I see those eyes widen in warning. It was a weird thrill seeing Jade be so openly herself. My heart would sink every time I found myself thinking about her for too long; she has a boyfriend. I'm friends with him, I like him, he's nice. I sometimes feel like a bad person for feeling this way about her...

Class with Sikowitz began as it usually did. He appeared in some grand and over the top oddball way, and like always I giggled uncontrollably at his goofy antics. I really loved watching him. He was so free and wildly spontaneous; and somehow perfectly grounded at the same time. Some may argue otherwise, but his intelligence showed in his understanding of arts and method of expression. I cast a glance over to the sparkle in the corner of my eye, Jade's eyebrow raised and glinted the piercing. I could see her smirk in my direction. She does that a lot when I giggle. Gives me quiet looks before turning her attention back. The way those green eyes burn into mine make me shrivel into myself and yet again I find myself giggling. I knew I blushed a lot and laughed a little harder when she looked at me. I can't help it. My joy becomes nervousness the moment I feel her eyes on me, and I let it roll off me in warm waves. I laugh and I smile, something she seems satisfied with seeing.

"Romantic improv, kiddies!" My head suddenly jerked to Sikowitz's booming voice. My eyes were wide in fascination and taking in his words eagerly. What crazy exercise did he have in mind today? "When acting you must be aware that sometimes you may be cast in the role of a love interest." As much as I already knew this, I still hung on every word. Leaning forward possibly too much, "This exercise is to give you as little preparation as possible and push you to channel your inner Romeo's and Juliet's." I heard a small scoff from my side, smiling faintly because I knew that sound too well. Jade was of course rolling her eyes; I didn't need to see her to know that. Just thinking about it made my chest flutter- I never understood why it wasn't called butterflies in your chest...your stomach doesn't flutter, your heart does?

"Now, you crazy love birds will be paired with a partner. Some of you may not like who you get, and that is where it is up to you as young actors to convince me otherwise. JADE!" His sudden exclamation of her name made me jump, squealing in surprise. "If I paired you with Robbie, or maybe even Tori, what would you do?" Jade arched her brows in disbelief, but quickly cleared her expression and snapped; "Vomit." I had to bite my lip to stifle a giggle that threatened to escape. Jade seemed to notice this, shooting me a quick glance. Panicking my face fell and head shook slightly.

"No! No! You're missing the point, Jade-"

"Yeah I'm not doing it." Her arms folded over her chest, firming her resolve to resist and do anything she can to not act alongside anybody she didn't approve of.

"Very well! Have it your way." My eyes fell on her for a moment, a burning feeling rose and twisted itself in my chest. What if she did go up there with somebody else? Acting a romantic scene. I inhaled sharply at the thought only to freeze when I heard my name quietly roll past her lips; "Cat..." She never turned my way, but she knew something unpleasant was in my head. Even without looking at me, she knew my every move. Her simple gesture demanding I calm down from whatever freak out that might have been coming. I nodded a few times, brushing my fingers through my bangs and sat upright. Okay. I can do this.

The pairings were a little awkward. Some were good. Others...I don't want to be mean. I watched with avid attention while Beck and Tori took the center. I knew those looks, it wasn't just acting. They spoke things but failed at making it seem only acting. My lip quivered, thinking of what Jade may be feeling. A cautious look over in her direction only to find her eyes coldly narrowed. Why didn't she seem angry? Shouldn't she be furious? Shouldn't there be something showing? The stare she held was one of observation. A deep and quiet calculation. How could she seem so detached from this? Unless...

I suppressed a gasp at a ping of hope bubbling inside me. Was it really going to be over between them? Did Jade really not care anymore? Was she so cold towards Beck now that seeing him with Tori didn't raise any reaction? I know I haven't seen them really kiss or be any kind of close lately but I didn't realize...were they still even a couple? Did she break up with him and not tell me? No! I'm her best friend, she would have told me...wouldn't she?

"Cat! You're up!" My eyes snapped to the stage where the teacher animatedly motioned. All those concerns seemed to fall off me when I quickly got up. Thinking only of the scene and what might happen. I smiled, skipping up to my place and waited for him to pick my partner. I couldn't think of anybody I hadn't seen in the class already perform. Did that leave...?

"Jade! Come on down!" Oh god no. Please not her. This was worse than seeing her with somebody else. Why me? Jade gave me a look, the kind of glance that went right through me. She knew I was conflicted but did she know why? Did she understand all my unease around her wasn't just restlessness? It was her. It was Jade. Always Jade. A hand touching my arm as she passed seemed to release the breath I was holding. She didn't need to say anything for me to understand her. Okay. I can do this. I can...I see her there in front of me. Pale skin. Perfectly smooth, porcelain cheeks. Every dark shade imaginable draped over her body. Her eyes so green and so expressive. I bit my lip, watching her carefully and felt a redness creep up my cheeks. At the sound of her voice, I knew she was off.

"I've packed my bags, love. The car is waiting for us. All you have to do is say you'll come and we can leave this awful place." Jade stepped forward, immediately flawless in her display of fake emotion. Somehow, knowing it was only acting stung.

"But what of my family? What will father think? He would hate me..." I filled my voice with the panic and fear I truly knew boiled in me.

"What does he know about us? He wouldn't accept that you loved a girl, so he forced a suitor on you. That boy, Daniel." I almost froze at her choice of name and how real the venom in her tone felt when she said it. Her eyes flaring were even convincing.

"Giving up my home...my family..." My eyes cast low and painted a sorrowful look over my face. I ignored that Sikowitz was hovering near us, watching our expressions uncomfortably closely while sipping from his coconut. Was he judging our realism?

"I know you're scared. Don't be. All I've ever wanted was to see you happy. Make you smile and feel alive." My cheek lit up when I felt her hand on it. My skin burned and I could feel the sting of gloss coating my eyes. I saw her expression, I read her eyes. It was so real. But she was such a brilliant actress, she could do anything. It hurt. I felt my chest tighten and squeak faintly before I forced out, "How do I know this is real?" I didn't mean to say it. God, I wished I could pull it back. I can never keep any words in my head.

"How can I prove that I love you when all you do is doubt me?" Jade brushed at my bangs and gave me that stare that sent my heart into a flutter. I opened my mouth to try and respond but paused when I heard Rex yell out; "KISS!" My face flushed at the word, eyes glancing down to Jade's thin lips. So smooth and glossy. I wanted to speak. I really tried. She was so close. My nerves tingled and skin prickled. I saw her brow raise and a smirk just flick at the corner of her lips. I knew what was going to happen. I needed to run. Get away. Anything. Anywhere but here. I couldn't. Here frozen in her grasp, some part of me desperate to feel her lips even though it couldn't be real. She didn't really want to kiss me, it was just a scene.

A faint squeal fled my lips when she finally claimed them with her own. I tensed, shivered from her touch and shuddered more than I ever should have. It couldn't be helped, I returned it. Slow and tender, just as she was. Tasting her lip gloss and feeling the softness of her features on my own. Jade was kissing me. Jade West was kissing me! Then suddenly it dawned on me. How could it have left? This was only a scene. I shouldn't feel this explosion of warmth, I shouldn't feel this need for more. I should have ran away the second Sikowitz called her up. I can't...

"Can't what?" I heard her say, looking down at me confused. "Cat? What is it?" Suddenly she wasn't in the scene anymore. Her hands were on my shoulders and she watched me in concern. I noticed then I said it out loud. I felt tears on my cheeks and shook my head, willing this away. My hands moved to knock hers away and she insisted even more; "Cat!" I couldn't be here. Not now. A blur of red flipped in my eyes as I turned quickly; biting my knuckle to hold back cries threatening to spill out. I ran. Tore open the door, ignoring Jade who called behind me; "Cat, wait!"

This was ridiculous. I'm better than this. I know I am. It's just Jade. I shouldn't have these feelings. I shouldn't be so afraid of her like this. I should fear her in every other way, but I don't. I'm afraid because I love her. Because I want so much more. I found myself bursting into the girl's bathroom and heading to the end of the room. I hid behind the row of stalls, falling down with my back against the wall. I didn't realize how badly I wanted her to say those things to me until she did. To mean everything. It was just a childish fantasy. Baby Cat Valentine with her unrealistic crush. Everything hurt because of the tears. The crying. I fought to breathe and curled into myself. This was a nightmare. How could she ever love me? I was everything she hated. She's Jade West. The most beautiful and talented girl in school. I'm just Cat. Little Cat everybody has to baby and take care of. I could never have her...


	2. Through Jade's Eyes

The weekend was an odd one. Beck and I had a talk that I honestly never saw coming. He knew? Knew there was a block in me that I couldn't come to grips with. Knew there were feelings buried deep but not for him. Not like that anyway. Somehow he didn't seem bothered by it and only stared in quiet understanding. I recalled his words and the way his soft eyes held my own. Me, Jade West who always had a comment of some kind was left speechless. "How long...?" I saw him breathe in deeply at my question, I needed to know how long he kept this to himself. "A while." Immediately confusion boiled in me, throwing in random ingredients of frustration and maybe even betrayal? How could I feel betrayed when in reality I've been lying about loving him? I do, but not in the way everybody thinks. I needed him, but not as a boyfriend. It just seemed easier to play a game of denial, anything to distract me from her. I couldn't risk it. Somehow Beck knew. So why did he stay? Why did he play along? "Because I'm your friend. You needed me. You needed to close yourself into something simple, so I let you. I waited for you to grow, to heal and now I'm here. I supported you and helped you. I am always here but I can't play the boyfriend anymore."

I almost couldn't believe what he was saying. Why would he choose to stay and help somebody like me? Somebody so warped and broken in ways I could never voice. He knew all along that I couldn't forget her. That these feelings would only grow too intense to play this charade anymore. This is why he stayed? To see me "grow"? To push me when he thought I was ready to confront her? I had trouble swallowing that. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Could it be that I imagined those sparks because I wanted so badly to have a reason to move on? To let go of her...

I've had dreams about her. Caterina Valentine. The little angel that I always felt undeserving of. How could she look at me that way? Like I walk on rays of sunshine. Like I've never done anything wrong. Like I'm so impossibly beautiful it causes her very soul to ache. I didn't deserve that kind of light. These dreams I saw her watching me with those doe eyes of hers, Bambi; I sometimes call her when they're particularly bright and wide. She smiled at me and I reached for her, I saw my inner demons all over my skin. Cracked and withered I still reached for her, but when I felt her skin I heard a snap. The cracks over my flesh infected her and I watched as she broke. She cracked and split like glass until she fell to pieces in front of me. Every time I woke up in tears and I hated it. I wanted her but I couldn't have her. I couldn't let myself hurt that light of hers, so I stayed as far from her as emotionally possible. I got a boyfriend and he was a great person. Flawed like me but somehow it didn't define him and it didn't rule him. In him I hoped to find the means to move on and drown my wants into desiring something new; the universe proved a cruel force. It didn't work. The times we broke up, all the times I got "jealous", it was fear. Horrified that I would lose that bar I placed between myself and her, the one thing keeping me away. Keeping me from destroying her. In some cases I became so irrational I called it off and then I'd see her. Practically the embodiment of rainbows and sunshine, glowing as she moved and I stood as if cloaked by darkness. We couldn't be any more opposite, she was made up of everything I truly and deeply despised and yet...I want her.

Today would be the day I pulled the restraints off and finally tried to go for what I needed. Beck and I were ready to part and offered our supporting wishes. Sikowitz was walking through the hallway when I called to him, the scraggly teacher paused and gave a loopy grin. "Jade, you're particularly blossoming today!" It was my turn to pause, my brows knit and eyes flared in confusion. "What's that supposed to mean!" Fuck...I said that. I really said that. Damn that girl. Sikowitz had apparently caught the humor of JADE having a "Cat moment," booming with unrelented laughter. I only growled and he quickly composed himself; "Nothing. You just seem a little more...happy?"

"Ugh. Whatever," I rolled my eyes and leaned in, "Listen, I need your help with something. I need us to do a specific exercise in class today..." I caught the concern on his face, tapping his fingers together when he simply questions; "Why?" I had opened my mouth to demand he didn't get too involved until he cut me off; "This isn't a revenge scheme, is it? Not going to pour coffee on some poor soul's head?" His concern is valid, I admit.

"Not this time...trust me. Nothing like that." His eyes scanned me cautiously and I knew he was curious to know what I had planned. "Alright. What exercise has our twisted sister come up with today?"

My breath shouldn't have felt so thin thinking about it but I gave him the details. I told him what I wanted to do. Romantic Improv. All pairs freely chosen, but two. Beck and Tori, he was rather insistent that I don't spite her today. Fine. The last couple? Myself and Cat. Maybe this could help give me a way to open up to her? A chance to see what I've always hidden.

The class began and I found myself really nervous. Beyond nervous. I've been in denial about loving this girl for so long and I was finally doing something about it. Cat seemed on edge during class, I sensed she knew something was going to happen. I knew about her feelings. I've always known, but I couldn't accept them and risk hurting her. Sometimes I see this look in her eyes, things she wants to say or scream at me but she's terrified of what might happen- so it sits pooling in her vibrant eyes. I never understood why she felt this way about me, but who was I to judge? I couldn't quite understand my feelings for her either. They just were, and it scares me.

Finally it was our turn. She was in a panick, anxiety quickly closing in on that beautiful face. All it took to make her ease was a single touch. Much like the effect she has on me, it was powerful. Our night performing together at that shady club, all the gentle brushes she gave me. I was painfully aware of every one. How it lit up my senses, burned my skin and sent my nerves into a sparking spasm. Yet I didn't react because I couldn't. I needed to be firm and deny these things, will it away. She had to be protected. Kept safe from my darkness.

It was all too surreal when we began. Our scene started to unfold and I placed all the emotion I ever denied into my act. The words played sincerely and I watched the conflict in her eyes. then a name slipped; "...that boy, Daniel!" God, how I hated him. My reaction to Cat getting a boyfriend wasn't the healthiest. In the comfort of my home I erupted in fury. Painfully realizing that no matter what I did or could ever do, I couldn't escape what I felt. I hated that she had a boyfriend. I hated that she kissed him and not me. In my furious episode I destroyed my room. Turned over and broke anything I could get a hold of. I don't remember stopping; all I know is I became aware of my surroundings when Beck took my hands in his. Staring sympathetically at my bloody knuckles, brushing away the fragments of my broken mirror; like he knew why I cried. Why I screamed and spouted all my hateful curses. Turns out that he's always known. I'll never tell anybody how I cried in his shoulder that night, and neither would he.

I saw Cat's eyes begin to water as our scene progressed, it broke my heart to witness. This pang of fear rising in me, hoping that I wasn't messing this up. "KISS!" Rex, that deplorable evil puppet actually had a good idea. I watched Cat's eyes for any hint of rejection and saw how she craved it to happen. So much that it drowned out the fear in her eyes as they glanced to my lips, that was all I needed. Tasting her lips was a thing I could never effectively describe. I felt my heart beat wildly and all of my nerves burst into flames, shooting electricity up my spine. Hair stood on end and I lost my breath. She was so delicate with her lips, I could feel how timid she was. So I pressed closer, letting her know it was okay; "I can't..." Her quiet whimper broke me out of my daze and my heart fell when I saw those tears flee her eyes. "Can't what?"

I tried to calm her down. I tried to call after her but she sped away before I could tell her everything was okay. "You broke the Cat." I heard Sikowitz mutter, staring at the door she had escaped through. I shot him a deathglare and he only quirked a brow, as if he were uncertain what to think. My eyes caught Beck's and I couldn't control this need to make it right. Storming over to him I seized his wrist and dragged him out of the room. "Whoa, hey! What are you doing?" His awkward chuckle only made me snarl as I threw him into the janitor's closet. "I fucked it up! I don't know how, but I did!" I didn't give him any time to process where he was before I nearly shouted, entering the small closet. "Jade, breathe." His hands fell on my shoulders as I trembled, my breathing getting rapid and uncontrolled. "I don't know what I did wrong...I-I thought..." Oh god, I could feel hysterics burning up. My eyes stung with tears starting to quickly form.

"Hey. Jade? Focus, look at me. Concentrate on my voice." My eyes flickered up to his, wide and fearful of all the things I shunned myself for. Did I ruin this before it even started? What if she doesn't want to see me now? Maybe that was for the best. I couldn't ruin her like I was so afraid of. "Hey! Stop that. Stop thinking. Just listen, breathe." His voice pierced the veil of panic again and I nodded, steadying myself and letting slow breaths flow through me. I felt the panic begin to ease and I continued this for long moments; focused only on my lungs filling and exhaling their oxygen. "What did I do?" I finally asked quietly.

Beck had paused and took a breath himself, "I don't think she got the right message..." My eyes flashed up into his, wide in revelation. "Oh god, really?"

"I think, she believed you were just acting." Beck's eyes showed concern for us both, hoping Cat wasn't too hurt by this. It was nothing compared to the guilt and remorse I felt eating away at me. "I'm so stupid! Oh course I'd screw this up! It seemed so fucking perfect, I should have known. Damn it!" I suddenly outburst, turning to kick the trashcan next to us. I grumbled, holding my head and pacing with my thoughts racing. "What do I do? how...?" I was thinking out loud when Beck interjected, "Talk to her. No games. No tricks. Find her and tell her. No room for any confusion." I glared up at him through my fallen hair, like it was seriously that easy? This was Cat! She may seem simple, but there's a complexity there many overlook. A delicacy most tend to ignore. "My guess? Check the restrooms."

My eye only twitched at his suggestion, "Really? That's like the first place I'd look!"

"Exactly. No matter how she feels, a part of her will always want you to find her." He shrugged like it wasn't a big deal that I'm dealing with arguably the biggest moment of my life and I scolded a quick; "I hate you."

Storming out from the small closet and stalked the halls. His words playing in my mind. Cat's eyes watery and full of fear. The way her lips felt making my body burn in ways I never believed possible. As much as it infuriated me that he was right, I couldn't deny what he said. I needed to find her. No more tricks, just confront her. Tell her it wasn't just an act. I needed to tell her what I've hidden for so long. Cat Valentine, I love you. 


End file.
